A bank manager is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it starts to rain.
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Absolute zero is cool.
An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
Avoid life - it'll kill you in the end.
Be alert - your country needs lerts.
Death is hereditary.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it by not dying.
I have a drink problem, I can't afford it.
It is now beyond doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.
Living on Earth is expensive but it does include a free trip round the sun.
Make love not war; get married and do both.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.
Reality is for people who cannot cope with science fiction.
The Annual Conference of Clairvoyants has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
- Samuel Clemens
To err is human - to really foul things up requires computers.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offence, that is.
Wars are not fought to decide who is right - only who is left
When I am right nobody remembers... When I am wrong nobody forgets.
Yesterday's a memory. Tomorrow's a vision. Today's a bitch.
I just bought the new Heisenberg Quantum sports car and I love it! It's got lots of speed but if you check to see how fast you're going, you don't know where you are.
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, and (3) a better looking and richer male friend.
Whenever one word or letter can change the entire meaning of a sentence, the probability of an error being made will be in direct proportion to the embarrassment it will cause.
If, in the course of several months, only three worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening.
If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue containing the article, story, or installment you were most anxious to read.
On the TV screen, pure drivel tends to drive off ordinary drivel.
Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
In an underdeveloped country, don't drink the water; in a developed country, don't breathe the air.
Anything good is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Any constants, limits, or timing formulae that appear in the computer manufacturer's literature should be treated as variables.
If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.
You will need three umbrellas: one to leave at the office, one to leave at home, and one to leave on the train.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
If it is green or it wiggles -- it is Biology.
If it stinks -- it is Chemistry.
If it doesn't work -- it is Physics.