Rules of the Game
1) You can't win. 2) You can't break even. 3) You can't even quit the game.
Any given program will expand to fill all available resources.
Don't force it, get a large hammer.
Experiments should be reproducable - they should all fail in the same way.
1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
4) Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
If an experiment works you must be using the wrong equipment.
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life.
1) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
2) Everything takes longer than you think.
3) Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time.
5) If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
7) Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
8) If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
On a beautiful day like this, it is hard to believe that anyone can be unhappy - but we're working on it.
1) Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
2) Expenditures rise to meet income.
Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
The Law of Selective Gravity (The Buttered Side Down Law): An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability.
The usefulness of a meeting is inversely proportional to its attendance.
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases.
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Army Law: If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.
Law of Computability: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
Corcoroni's Laws of Bus Transport:
1) The bus that left the stop just before you got there is your bus.
2) The amount of time you have to wait for a bus is directly proportional to the inclemency of the weather.
3) All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return.
4) The last rush-hour express bus to your stop leaves five minutes before you get off work.
5) Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.
6) Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others are out of service or full.
Nonreciprocal Laws of Expectations:
1. Negative expectations yield negative results.
2. Positive expectations yield negative results.
Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the toilet.
Law of Late-Comers: Those who have the shortest distance to travel invariably arrive latest.