Angelic Paranoia

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[The Last Leg] Tutu Too
Sunday 1st January 2017

Rating: General
Summary: It's Day 8 of the Paralympics, we're live in Tokyo, and it's time for The Last Leg.
Notes: Written for Adele E Penguin

"We've had almost as many tweets about Jonnie's gold medals as we have about his tutu," Adam said, as Jonnie hung his head to hide his smile. "For those who don't know, four years ago in Rio Jonnie became my personal assistant for a couple of days, wearing a tutu." There followed a video montage that included Adam helping Jonnie put the tutu on, Jonnie curtseying, and Jonnie lifting a part of the tutu to flirt with Adam. Afterwards, Adam turned to Jonnie, "A lot of people want to know, what happened to the tutu?"

"The lady who made it didn't trust me with it." Jonnie tried to look mournful, but couldn't keep a straight face. "No, she did such a good job she wanted to keep it. I haven't seen it since Rio."

"Fortunately, she's kept it safe all that time." Adam reached under the desk and pulled out the tutu, to cheers from the audience.

Jonnie looked surprised, but clapped along with the rest of the small crowd in the studio cum basement.

"How about putting it on again?" Adam's tone suggested that if Jonnie didn't agree, he'd end up being persuaded into doing it anyway.

Jonnie hesitated for a moment before gesturing in Josh's direction. "Only if Josh wears one too."

Josh put his hands out. "If only we had another one." He didn't sound at all upset about that.

"Perhaps we do." Sure enough, Adam pulled out an identical one from under the desk, much to the delight of Alex.

"You walked into that," Alex managed to get out, between laughs.

Josh groaned and put his head in his hands. "I really don't think I'd look good in a tutu."

"You don't know until you try," Jonnie said.

"Come on, Josh." Adam waved the tutus in the direction of the couch.

Jonnie stood to collect both tutus, but when he returned he looked over at Josh, with a thoughtful expression. "I'll kiss you if you put it on."

"There's an offer that's hard to refuse." But despite Jonnie holding the tutu out to him, Josh still hesitated

"You know what," Alex said, "if you don't wear the tutu, I'll kiss you." He leaned over to Josh, lips pursed. Josh leaned away, making a face.

"Oh, go on, then. Maybe I'll kiss you too." Adam shrugged.

Josh, knowing when he was beaten, sighed and took the tutu. "Now I'm considering not putting it on just to see if you follow through with that threat."

Alex leaned over to him again, making kissing noises.

"All right, all right." Josh stood. "Anything to stop Alex from kissing me."

As Josh stepped into the tutu, Alex grinned and reached out a hand. "Would you like help with that?"

"No, don't touch me." Josh side-stepped him, laughing.

Jonnie, meanwhile, had put his tutu on with far less drama.

"I think the tutu suits you, Josh," Adam said. "Can you both give us a twirl?"

Jonnie's twirl was graceful, making his tutu fly up a little. Josh more clumped around in a circle, to Adam's despair, who sighed.

"Josh, you have all the grace of a baby elephant."

"I'll stick to the day job," Josh said. Then he gave Jonnie a suspicious look, since Jonnie hadn't gone back to his seat.

"We did make a deal," Jonnie said.

"Oh, I didn't know you were serious. I'm a bit nervous now," he added, when Jonnie stepped closer.

Jonnie ignored that, put an arm around Josh's waist and kissed him, to cheers from the audience and laughter from Adam and Alex. But Jonnie had taken leave of his senses - or just forgotten Joshs's lack of grace - and dipped Josh. Josh hadn't been expecting it, slipped and lost his footing despite grabbing Jonnie around the shoulders. Jonnie struggled to hold them both up, stumbled himself and their grip on each other pulled them both down. Josh ended up sitting on the floor, somehow managing to land with his head in Alex's lap. Jonnie was on his knees beside them. Alex stroked Josh's head, which made Josh get up quickly.

Jonnie, despite laughing, patted Josh's shoulder in apology as he stood himself.

"You've really fallen for him," Alex said, laughing, although the audience groaned.

"So, Josh," Adam began, looking innocent, "how was it for you? Did the Earth move?"

Josh just looked unimpressed and shook his head.

Jonnie reached across Alex's lap to pat Josh on the leg.

Alex frowned. "I'm not sure I want to be between the two of you."

"Maybe your disability is that you have too many legs," Adam continued, to Josh. "They just get in your way."

"I am not cutting a leg off," Josh said firmly.

"I still think it's worth considering." Then Adam turned to the camera. "Over the years we've had a lot of comments about Josh's running style. So before we came to Tokyo we sent him off to get some coaching, from a Paralympic runner."


The runner is Jonnie, the location is clearly a running track in England, given the grey sky and damp track, a contrast to the sunshine and blue skies in Tokyo. Josh is still running in his usual dinosaur-like style. Jonnie, jogging around the track beside him, looks a lot more natural.

"I've got by perfectly well, running like this," Josh complains, panting. "And we must have run miles by now."

Jonnie, not sounding very out of breath at all, says, "Nearly eight hundred metres. I thought you went to the gym."

"That didn't last long after Rio." Josh looks ashamed at that admission.

"How about some sprinting," Jonnie suggests, as Josh slows to a stop. "You must be able to run a hundred metres."

Josh looks at his watch. "Can I have an hour to get my breath back?"

Jonnie sighs and shakes his head.

It's clearly some time later when they approach the start line for the 100m. By now the sun's come out and the track looks drier. Josh is breathing normally again. Jonnie has changed out of his tracksuit into shorts.

Josh looks down at Jonnie's legs, thoughtfully. "I don't think you racing on that blade is fair. Unless I get to wear springy trainers, you don't get to wear a blade."

Jonnie shakes his head, but goes off and returns a video cut later with his day leg on. "Better?" he asks.

Josh considers for a moment. "A bit, but it's still an unfair race. You train for this. I haven't done the hundred metres since school sports day."

Jonnie sighs. "All right, I'll give you a head start." He walks up the track, Josh trailing behind him, and stops about fifth of the way up. "You start here."

Josh still looks thoughtful, looking between the finish and start line.

"What now?" Jonnie asks, putting his hands on his hips, although he sounds patient.

"I know." Josh puts a finger in the air and goes off. On his return he's carrying an egg and a spoon, both of which he passes to Jonnie.

Jonnie takes them, but looks confused. "You want to do an egg and spoon race?"

Josh points at him. "You do an egg and spoon race." Then points at himself. "I'll just run. Maybe that way I'll have a chance of beating you."

Jonnie shakes his head, but says, "Whatever makes you feel better."

What with Josh's head start and Jonnie's hampered speed, Josh has a good lead at the start. However, Jonnie's catching up. By fifty metres he's still behind Josh, but the gap has narrowed. And Jonnie is speeding up, as he's getting the hang of a smooth running style that keeps the egg on the spoon.

Twenty metres before the end it's neck and neck. Josh puts out an elbow, which Jonnie neatly dodges. The egg nearly falls off the spoon, but Jonnie holds it with his other hand. Although it slows Jonnie down it's not enough and he crosses the line a few strides ahead of Josh.

Josh collapses to the ground, breathing heavily. Despite being out of breath himself, Jonnie turns back to stand over him, grinning. Josh gives him a suspicious look.

"You'd better not be about to drop that egg on me." At a feint from Jonnie, Josh gets up and runs back down the track, with Jonnie chasing. Off camera, Josh can be heard shouting; Jonnie laughing.


Back in the studio, Josh and Jonnie shook hands around a frowning Alex to show they'd forgiven each other. Before they let go, Jonnie kissed the back of Joshs's hand.

When the applause died down, Adam said, "We have teased you a lot tonight, Josh, so we've arranged a treat for you."

"Okay," Josh said slowly, a suspicious expression on his face.

"Last time Jonnie wore the tutu, back in Rio, you said, 'I dreamed about this, although in this scenario we were getting married'," Adam read from his paper. "Since you're both in tutus, we thought maybe now's the time."

Josh looked incredulous. "This is Tokyo, not Vegas."

"No, but this is Vegas." Adam stood up to welcome Johnny Vegas, who entered dressed in white flared trousers and an unbuttoned white shirt. Fortunately for all of the he was wearing a brown t-shirt under the shirt.

The other three all stood to greet him too, Josh still shaking his head at what was happening.

"You'll each need a best man," Adam went on. "So I'll be Jonnie's best man and Alex can be Joshs's."

"What if I don't want to be Josh's best man?" Alex complained. "Maybe I like Jonnie better."

"Eight years we've been friends." Joshs's voice went up an octave.

"Yeah, but he's got nicer hair." Alex gestured in Jonnie's direction.

Josh gave him a look.

Alex sighed. "All right, if I have to."

He followed Josh over to Adam's desk, which Johnny was standing in front of, waiting for them. They all just about managed to arrange themselves in the right places where the camera could see them all.

Johnny coughed and flicked through a few pages in his black notebook. When he looked back up he grandly said, "I now pronounce you husband and husband."

Josh looked round the room. "What happened to 'I do'?"

"I took it out in case in case you said 'I don't'," Johnny answered.

Josh's reply of "I wouldn't" was lost below Johnny saying, "You may now kiss."

"I think we should skip that too," Adam put in, "in case Josh ends up on the floor again."

Josh threw his hands up. "What sort of a sham wedding is this? You're not even a vicar." He pointed at Johnny.

"I'll have you know I spent five minutes on the internet getting a certificate," Johnny protested.

But Josh wouldn't be swayed. "And we don't have rings."

Jonnie solved that problem by pulling his gold medals out of his pocket. He put one over Josh's head and the other over his. "Happy now?" he asked.

"Ecstatic," Josh said, sounding anything but.

Adam stepped forwards. "I think we should take a break now, so the two of you can have a five minute honeymoon back stage. Maybe sitting down, just in case."

Josh shook his head, but Jonnie smiled at him and reached out to brush Josh's hand with his hand. Josh looked up, then took Jonnie's hand. The other three hadn't noticed, as they all settled back on the couch.




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