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The problem with reality is the lack of background music. 
Day is night without darkness.
All persons living and dead are purely coincidental.
"Common sense is not so common."
"Computers
are useless. They can only give you answers."
To boldly code what no one has coded before.
We are Micro$oft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
If a train station is a station where a train stops, then what is a workstation?
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
"Everyone should believe in something... I believe I'll have another pint."
"This sentence has threee erors."
"My
grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people: those
who work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the
first group; there was less competition there."
Thought for the day: One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Bugs come in through open Windows.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Try three.
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.
Reality is an illusion of the imagination.
Webster's Dictionary entry for Windows95 Windows95 (noun): 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company, that can't stand 1-bit of competition.
Thought for the day: Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Difference between a virus & windows? Viruses never fail.
Walk through doors, don't crawl through Windows.
'Balls!' Cried the Queen. 'If I had any, I'd be King!'
Reality is
that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
The
quickest way to a man's heart is thru his back.
You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Thought
for the day:
The past is present in the future.
OK brain, let's just do this thing together and I can get back to killing you with beer later.
Precision is irrelevant. You will be approximated.
Support
bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Dogs have a master (male or female) - cats have their personnel.
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac; you can always take something for it.
Confucious
say "He who has not the sense to stand and watch where the
crap lands will end up treading in it."
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
(A)bort (R)etry (S)wear?
At
the moment I am using Word97. The layout is ugly, but it IS
convenient.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Please help Conserve Gravity - Don't do push ups.
I
generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
This
paper contains much that is new and much that is true.
*insert pointless but thought provoking comment here*
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Give
a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Watch out for quantum ducks, QUARK! QUARK!
You know it's Unix when the backspace key often performs an action other than deleting the character to the left of the cursor.
Non-OE variant of Love Bug worm: This worm works on the honour system - please forward this message to everyone in your address book and delete a bunch of your own files at random.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
Your mouse has moved. In order for the change to take effect, Windows must be restarted. Reboot now? [OK]
WARNING: I cannot be held responsible for the above because my cats have apparently learned to type.
"You
see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
there is no cat."
We
the Unwilling, lead by the Unknowing, are doing the Impossible for
the Ungrateful.
Due
to University fiscal constraints, all .sigs must be only one
I used to be conceited but now I am perfect.
Chocolate, coffee, men. Some things are just better when they are rich.
A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a seat has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
There is an
old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a
million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be
produced. Now, thanks to Newsgroups, we know this is not true.
Actually
officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all
speeding.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
"I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do, is stalk them and hope they panic and give in."
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
Change
is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Curiosity *may* have killed Schrodinger's cat.
We are Borg sheep, resistance is futile, you will be... Ooh look, fresh grass.
/*
There is a thin line between genius and insanity, and I've erased that line.
A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Never apply a Star Trek solution to a Babylon 5 problem.
Men!...You can't live with them, and you can't bury them in a shallow grave without breaking your nails.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
Never run out of Altitude, Airspeed and Ideas all at the same time.
Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one and the other two escaped with minor injuries.
Doppler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
"The
best way to predict reality, is to know exactly what you _don't_
want."
"Quidquid
latine dictum sit, altum viditur."
Velilind's
Laws of Experimentation:
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
.sdrawkcab dootsrednu tub sdrawrof devil si efiL
Bad spellers of the world - untie!
If you're going to tell me I'm wrong, you could at least try to be right
I'd rather be considered zany by normal people than boring by the weird.
pi seconds is a nano-century (to within 10%)
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
I love
deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go
flying by.
Last
night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I
thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
Needing
someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
My reality cheque bounced.
On
the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
WE
ARE RHEOSTATS !!!
I once asked this literary agent what writing paid the best, and he said, 'ransom notes'.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.
Aposiopesisophobia - fear of not finishing your sen
Once upon a time there were three bears, now there are bloody loads of them
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes!
"We
are sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your
phone ninety degrees and try again."
This page is best viewed with your monitor switched on
This message will self destruct when you click delete!
Nothing
is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
Women who think they are equal to men lack ambition
If it ain't broken - hit it harder
That's the trouble with this newsgroup - too many people, not enough penguins...
Next Windows release to be called Lemmings
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired
Windows 9x is not a virus because viruses are small and efficient
Since
light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak?
A Freudian slip occurs when you say one thing, but mean your mother
Doppler Effect - "If I drive fast enough at the red light, it'll appear green."
I tried to see things from your point of view but I couldn't get my head that far up my arse.
By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry'...
Never buy a dwarf with learning difficulties. It's not big and it's not clever.
Award-winning
bog cleaner, agony aunt and now Latin scholar.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Bad command. Bad, BAD command. Sit! Stay!
Be careful who you use big words around, someone may understand them.
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Captain! The doubletalk generators, they cannae take any more! We'll have to obey the laws of physics!
Computers cut my work in half. Now, I just have to put it back together.
C++ was invented because Vogon poetry wasn't considered destructive enough.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.
The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Microwavable!
General System Error: Please sacrifice a goat and two chickens to continue.
Go not to the surrealists for counsel, for they will say both blue and hippopotamus.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Heavy, adj: Seduced by the chocolate side of the Force.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick-boxing.
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
It's always darkest before you step on the cat.
Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Nothing is so smiple that it can't be screwed up.
Politics: Poly = "Many"; Tics = "Blood-sucking parasites".
Relaxed Bisexual Agnostic: I don't know, I don't care, and maybe I'll sleep with it.
Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser.
Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)
Say it with flowers; buy her a triffid.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Some people have a way with words, and some people... um, thingy.
There's too much sax and violins in classical music.
Think you're confused? Wait until I explain it.
This mind intentionally left blank.
This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it is.
User Error: Replace user and press any key to continue.
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
We must have courage, faith, and chocolate fudge cake.
A woman without a man is like a Vulcan without a pogo stick.
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
You're just jealous 'cause the voices talk to ME!!!
You sound reasonable... time to up my medication.
You want the best seat in this house? Move the cat.
0.666; the number of the millibeast.
"You have reached the bridge. Press 1 to report that the engines are overloaded and cannot deliver any more power. Press 2 to report a force field or weird type of energy never seen before. Press 3 to report loss of crew member wearing a red jersey. For other messages, please hold. A member of the bridge crew will be with you shortly."
The best acceleration you can get on a mac is 9.8ms-2
Space is
limited
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
"Your ability to bang your head against reality in the hope that reality will crack first is impressive, but futile."
The more I know about men the more I love my cat.
28% of the world are considered stupid. Thankfully, I'm with the other 53%.
Curiosity killed the cat. No it didn't, it was Schrödinger.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
There are two types of ways of writing error free programs. Only the third one works.
Of course, it
is very important to be sober when you take an exam. Many worthwhile
careers in the street-cleaning, fruit-picking, and
subway-guitar-playing industries have been founded on a lack of
understanding of this simple fact.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
I've just got a quantum sports car. It's very fast but as soon as you know what the speed is, you don't know where you are.
"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining."
Sleep: thing used by ineffective people as a substitute for coffee
Ambition: a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he'll tell you he has better things to do than dangling lines into rivers.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
"Backwards compatible just means that people who are backwards can use them!"
Intel Inside, Idiot Outside
The way to succeed is to double your error rate
I give 100% at work:
I'm out of bed. What more do you want?
I have gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.
I'm not drunk, I'm just chemically off balance.
Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it is very dark.
Don't hate yourself in the morning. Sleep till noon.
I don't have an attitude problem, it's supposed to be this way.
Guns don't kill people; death kills people. It's a proven medical fact.
He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Bad command or filename. Go stand in the corner.
C code. C code run. Run, code, run! PLEASE!
WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue.
Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though.
Three things happen when you get old. First your memory goes, then... um... um...
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do!
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.
SHAVE THE SHEEP! Er- I mean save...
Never moon a werewolf.
Be nice to dragons, for you are crunchy, and go well with ketchup.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
I have decided to live forever, or die in the attempt.
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I can't live with death; he's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Give me immortality or give me death.
It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living.
You should always show up at your funeral.
Drink wet cement - get stoned.
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem.
But ocifer, I swear to drunk I'm not god!
Stand on a toilet: get high on pot.
I'm not addicted to coffee, I just have an acute caffeine dependency.
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or tell your kids not to do it.
My parents put us to sleep by tossing us in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
A tree only hits an automobile in self-defense.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have doubts.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
National Schizophrenic's Convention: Anybody who's everybody will be there!
Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary there!
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
We are what we eat! - mmm, nuts!
Some people say I'm indifferent, but I don't care.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend; but she left me before we met.
Gravity never loses. The best you can hope for is a draw.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
A ship floats on the water; but I'll bet you it would float on sand too.
No matter how hard you try, you can't fall off the floor.
When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good!
I was born at a very early age.
If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars, I thought "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
You know you should go to sleep when the sheep you're counting start to hit the fence.
Instant human! Just add coffee.
I myself have never been able to find out what precisely feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Today in Art class we were going to paint a nude model, but the teacher sent her to the office for violating dress code.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Do files get embarrassed when they're unzipped?
Ready - Fire - Aim.
See my halo bright and shiny, but mess with me and I'll kick your hiney.
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders.
The days are longer in the summer because they are hotter and expand in the heat
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
RAMDISK is NOT an installation procedure!
Forget love, I want to fall in chocolate
recursive: adjective, see recursive
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate: 1. ____________
If at first you don't succeed, you're about average.
A cat is a highly efficient method for converting dead horses into sleep.
I've taken a vow of poverty, to annoy me send money.
"I am Amnesia of Borg. Prepare to be... errr... thingy..."
I can multitask - just not all at the same time.
"abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz" *
|
When life throws you a lemon ask for some Tequila and salt and invite me over.